Modern Women and How We Sabotage Ourselves

I walked into the law office of Johnson Livingston, my workplace, and my boss called me into his office. He handed me the latest Utah Trial Journal already flipped open to the article that had drawn his attention. “2023 Resolutions: Expand your professional Circle” by Kara H. North.

I met Kara North at a Focus Group around 2016. Since that time, I had gotten to know her fairly well. While Kara and I have not always shared the same opinions or life philosophies, I’ve always wanted her to find a place she was happy and felt valued.

At the end of 2021, discussions with Kara about moving to the firm to work with Blake Johnson and Todd Livingston at Johnson Livingston had gotten serious, and several meetings took place to discuss the logistics, whether it was the right fit, and when the move would officially take place. Among other outlets and social media platforms, we placed an ad in the Utah Trial Journal announcing Kara as the new Partner at Johnson Livingston in January 2022. Kara stayed at Johnson Livingston until October 2022, when she ultimately decided to move to a new law group.

When new partners leave a firm after a short 10 months, there is an inherent assumption that there was drama and contention behind the decision. I can’t exactly deny that it was a rocky 10 months, filled with frustration for all people involved, but I feel like everyone was content to part friends and move in parallel directions on their own tracks.

Flashforward six months to the Utah Trial Journal article open on my boss’s desk. I begin to read. As I do I feel a myriad of emotions and a million thoughts run through my head, but as I approach the end of the article, I read one of the final paragraphs and intense frustration takes over.

“This past summer when discussing some of the particularly challenging experiences I’ve had as a woman in the legal field, a male counterpart said exasperatedly something to the effect of, “I don’t know what you expect? Do you want us (men) to stand up for you or not?”

The “male counterpart” referred to is Todd Livingston, and the “particularly challenging experience” being referenced, is me.

I don’t doubt that Kara’s point of view in this article accurately describes her perception of the situations she describes. I agree that, as written, the context of this paragraph absolutely makes this “male counterpart” sound like a sexist, oppressive, jackass and one may have a hard time believing there is another perspective to consider.

Even though Todd is not specifically named in the article, its no secret that Kara worked at our office and given the timeline of events its easy to assume the male counterpart is one of her male business partners. So, what do you need to know about her male business partners?

Todd Livingston is hands down the most loyal person I’ve met. If you’re ever in a fight, Todd’s the first one to back you up. He is a natural people person that can converse with anyone and as such, he does most of the marketing for Johnson Livingston. He’s participated in sporting events; golf, basketball, baseball and more, to expand his professional circle. He would always extend invitations to both his business partners to these events. There was no consideration given to gender because whether you’re a male or female didn’t matter to Todd. What matters to Todd is whether you’re a business partner willing to participate, make efforts to build your circle, and support the firm.

Blake Johnson is a tough egg to crack. He keeps his cards close to his chest and you have to earn his respect. Blake appreciates someone’s experience and credentials, but his respect is earned through your work ethic, results, and attitude. When he gives you a compliment, you know you’ve earned it, and he is just as willing to learn from you as he is willing to teach you. He will not say nice things just to make you feel better about your situation. Blake will provide tough love, and he’ll support your efforts to improve yourself. However, he won’t do it for you. He expects everyone to pull their own weight and doesn’t want to be a cheerleader.

My name is Jacque Findlay. I am neither a male nor a business partner. I am a paralegal. I’ve worked with Blake and Todd since they opened the firm in 2018. I graduated high school and had no interest in attending college. I have taken paralegal courses to expand my knowledge about my job, but most of my skills come from researching, reading, and being passionate about what I do. I’m outspoken and stubborn to be sure. But I’m loyal and committed.

I have been hesitant to write anything in response to Kara’s article at all. Will I cause unwanted drama? Will anyone even understand? Will anyone feel the same way? They’re not named in the article, so why should it matter right?

The truth is though, it does matter.

Working with Blake and Todd I have never once felt that my opinion was disregarded because I’m a woman, or because I’m not an attorney. We’ve absolutely had fiery discussions about our viewpoints, but my opinion has always been given the consideration it deserves. My experience working with Blake and Todd is that they consider all opinions, from the top to the bottom, before they make decisions. Sometimes that decision is different than the path I would have chosen, but I can support it because I know it is based on what they feel is right and not ego.

When Todd made this comment to Kara, I believe it was in exasperation. He is always ready to support his business partners, but this is the problem, ladies. If we are constantly telling men that we don’t need their help, or if we get offended when a man even offers to lend his support, then we don’t get to cry foul the day loyal colleagues like Todd finally heed our request and let us fight our battle alone.

This goes to my broader opinion about the social direction of our community. Feminism, women’s suffrage, and the social equality of the sexes has been an important part of our history. The history of women’s rights should not be ignored, but the social landscape in 1893 (the first known use of the word feminism) and today are completely different. Women can vote, women can choose to work, women can choose to stay home and raise a family, women can do both if they so choose.

To be clear, I’m not discounting the experiences modern women go through. I have no doubt that sexism exists and unfair assumptions are made because of gender, but as I see the young women in this world grow up, I want to provide my beliefs for consideration.

I believe that most men want you to be successful and happy.

I believe that if you want something you have to make the effort.

I believe that women limit themselves more than society limits them.

I believe it’s okay when a man opens the door for a woman.

I believe it’s okay when a woman stands in the shadows as support, rather than the spotlight for the credit.

I don’t believe all men are trying to be offensive when they comment about your family plans.

I don’t believe women are cut out for every job available.

I don’t believe men are cut out for every job available.

I don’t believe women should be shamed for choosing not to raise a family.

I don’t believe women should be shamed for choosing to stay in the home and raise a family.

I am so afraid that the young people in this world are going to grow up preconditioned to believe that equality is not achievable and no matter what they do, they will be oppressed because of gender, race, financial status, or any number of things we hear about these days.

This is wrong.

I’m sorry if you’re a woman that has been ignored or discredited simply because you’re a woman, but please don’t let that experience set the tone for the rest of your life. Instead of letting these experiences turn into the chip on your shoulder, let them turn into motivation. Motivation that propels you to the heights you want to climb. Set the example of what women can achieve rather than an example of how loud we can complain.

If you’re a man that has been chastised for your efforts to help, for being chivalrous, or for trying to be inclusive, please don’t let that experience set the tone for your relationship with all women. Proudly support equal opportunities for all and continue to value those that that bring value.

Please know this. You are capable of more than you know and possibly more than you’re being told. Trust yourself and know yourself. Find the balance between what makes you happy and what makes you a valuable member of the community. Foster those skills, follow that path, and find the joy that lies within.

Jacque